We came up with this idea during a writers’ meeting for the sketch show Beneath Gristedes. We liked it so much we decided to make it right away and shot it on Memorial Day. Pete Schultz and Brandon Bassham did a great job directing and editing it, and the whole cast was hilarious and fun. Except the guy carrying the tray of coffee. He was a huge asshole.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - MORNING

A GRAVEDIGGER is preparing a new hole. HAMLET and HORATIO
sneak up upon him. The gravedigger pulls out a skull.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
				(to Hamlet)
		  A whoreson mad fellow's it was: whose do
		  you think it was?

					  HAMLET
		  Nay, I know not.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! a'
		  poured a flagon of Rhenish on my head
		  once. This same skull, sir, was Yorick's
		  skull, the king's jester.

He hands the skull to Hamlet.

					  HAMLET
				(regarding skull)
		  This?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  E'en that.

					  HAMLET
		  Let me see. Alas, poor Yorick! I knew
		  him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest,
		  of most excellent fancy...
				(suddenly realizing
				 something)
		  Wherefore is it not on his body?

					  HORATIO
		  What's that, my lord?

					  HAMLET
		  D'ost thou wonder that his head misses
		  its trunk?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Like a tree, indeed, it 'twere chopped
		  off with an axe.

					  HAMLET
		  Felled like a tree in a forest? But
		  wherefore would a man do such a thing?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  A woodcutter needs lumber, my lord.

					  HAMLET
		  Nay, clown, I meant Yorick. His skull is
		  apart from his body. 

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Every man's skull is a part from his
		  body.

					  HAMLET
		  Pah! Your jokes are lifeless as the men
		  around you.
				(re: skull)
		  He was a most beloved jester. It grieves
		  me to see him thus. Wherefore is it so?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Why sir, this fellow died twice.

					  HORATIO
		  Every man dies once. How does a man die a
		  second time?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  He comes back from the grave. I do it
		  each night, but any other man returns
		  home from the grave, and it follows that
		  he is undead.

					  HORATIO
		  Undead?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Not quite dead. But not so much alive.

					  HAMLET
		  Speak plain, I pray you.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  He was a zombie.

					  HAMLET
		  Not Yorick?

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  E'en so. 

					  HAMLET
		  Holy shit!

					  HORATIO
		  Your words, my lord!

					  HAMLET
		  Words, words, words! My old friend was a
		  zombie? How come I never heard about
		  this?

					  HORATIO
		  You were in Wittenberg.

					  HAMLET
		  And I missed a zombie outbreak!?

					  HORATIO
		  A huge zombie outbreak. We nearly died in
		  a sea of bodies, the floating undead.

					  HAMLET
		  I thought something smelled rotten in the
		  state of Denmark.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Tis the remains of the zombies. They
		  overran the city. We could only kill them
		  by removing their heads.

					  HAMLET
		  'Swounds! The walking dead!

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Trust no man you see who once were in the
		  ground.

					  HAMLET
		  My father, the king, hath died not four
		  months ago.

					  HORATIO
		  It slipped my mind! We hath seen him
		  nights on the watch. He spoke with the
		  prince.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  Aye, your father is a zombie!

					  HAMLET
		  Fuck me! He told me to kill Claudius.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  So he can feast on his brother's brains,
		  I suspect.

					  HORATIO
		  Oh! But fast, here comes Polonius.

					  HAMLET
		  My lady's father? I hath slain him in the
		  queen's bed chamber.

					  HORATIO
		  And now he seeks revenge!

Enter zombie Polonius, slowly moving.

					  POLONIUS
		  Uggghhh. Argghh. Mmmmmmm. Ughhhhh.

					  HAMLET
		  Eat my balls! That's a fucking zombie!
		  There are more things in Heaven and
		  Earth, Horatio, than our dreamt of in my
		  philosophy!

					  POLONIUS
		  Ugggh.

					  GRAVEDIGGER
		  They should have cut off his head. And
		  the head of his daughter, too, a
		  gentlewoman drowned this fortnight.

The gravedigger exits.

					  HAMLET
		  Ophelia is dead?

					  HORATIO
		  No longer, it seems. Ophelia's rising.
		  She is a zombie too!

					  HAMLET
		  I really hate my life.
				(soliliquizing)
		  To be or not to be, that is the question.
		  Or somewhere in between, apparently. For
		  to die is not the end I thought it was.
		  E'en if I take my life, I'll be back for
		  misery most undead. To die? To sleep?
				(he shakes his head)
		  To sleep perchance to be awoken as a
		  zombie! That would be horrible.
		  Eating bugs and brains and having maggots
		  all over. This gives me pause.

Enter GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS and LAERTES with swords. We hear
zombies moaning in the distance.

					  LAERTES
		  Be careful, there are zombies all over
		  the castle!

					  GERTRUDE
		  I can't take it!

She drinks from a wine cup.

					  HAMLET
		  Good madam!

					  CLAUDIUS
		  Gertrude, do not drink!

She dies.

					  HAMLET
		  The dread of something after death!

He cuts off Gertrude's head. Zombies surround them.

					  LAERTES
				(lunging at zombie)
		  Have at you now!

Laertes wounds the zombie Polonius. It bites him.

					  LAERTES (CONT'D)
		  I am slain! Here I lie. Only to rise
		  again.

Hamlet cuts off Laertes' head.

					  HAMLET
		  Sleep well, Laertes. 

Polonius bites Claudius.

					  CLAUDIUS
		  O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.

					  HAMLET
				(he looks at Claudius)
		  And now I'll do't. And so he goes to
		  heaven.

He cuts off Claudius' head as Claudius bites him.

					  HAMLET (CONT'D)
		  O, I die, Horatio. The rest is silence.

Hamlet dies.

					  HORATIO
		  Now cracks a noble heart. 

He decapitates Hamlet's corpse.

					  HORATIO (CONT'D)
		  Good night sweet prince: And flights of
		  angels sing thee to thy rest! Why does
		  the drum come hither?

He stands up as we hear drums sound. Enter an AMBASSADOR.

					  AMBASSADOR
		  The sight is dismal; And our affairs from
		  England come too late: The ears are
		  senseless that should give us hearing,
		  To tell him his commandment is fulfill'd,
		  That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are
		  undead. Where should we have our thanks?

					  HORATIO
		  Not from his mouth. I have cut his head
		  off to prevent him from becoming a
		  zombie.

Enter ZOMBIE FORTINBRAS.

					  FORTINBRAS
		  Urgggh. Agggh.

					  HORATIO
		  Let's get out of here.

					  AMBASSADOR
		  You said it!

			   EXIT, PURSUED BY A ZOMBIE.

Now I’d like to talk about Otto Preminger. Admittedly, this is on the basis of only two movies. (I thought it was three when I started writing this post, but IMDB tells me that he did not direct Witness for the Prosecution.) After a New Yorker discussion of his work, I had previously seen Advise and Consent, a drama about Congress that managed to be riveting and ahead of its time, and made me track down other works featuring Charles Laughton. Tonight I watched Anatomy of a Murder, which I had previously known only as a film that Cragg recommended. But here is a partial list of some great things about this movie:

* Everyone is intelligent. Both movies are about smart people going at each other as best they can.
* Wide shots allow you to focus on reactions (particularly George C. Scott’s lawyer being forced to listen to the less-experienced inept prosecutor).
* Duke Ellington appears as a local piano player named Pie Eye
* At 125 minutes into the movie, there is some hilarious physical comedy involving Jimmy Stewart trying to see a witness.
* Much of the movie involves Jimmy Stewart discussing “rape” and “panties.”
* Lee Remick’s flirtatious character wears tight-fitting clothes in the first third of the movie. After a lawyer advises her to dress respectably, she shows up to court in a man’s suit, wearing glasses and a hat. She is entirely more sexy in this new outfit.
* In addition to appearing in the film, Duke Ellington also did the score.
* Saul Bass made the opening title sequence, which was later ripped off by the poster for Spike Lee’s Clockers.
* The movie is 160 minutes, which allowed me to drink four beers during its runtime.
* Eve Arden is great as the secretary.

That is all. Watch Advise and Consent or Anatomy of a Murder and we’ll talk about them.

Then the Soviet Union collapsed, everyone got happy, and I survived long enough to make a comedy video about nuclear proliferation.

I guess my generation wasted all that time we spent listening to songs like “99 Red Balloons” and “Forever Young.” Thanks for nothing, Alphaville and Nena.

Here’s the video. Made with Will Hines, starring Pam Murphy.

That means it is 420 percent more popular than my short film about Wilford Brimley in Prospect Park.

I guess mammoth automotive recalls have a bigger pull on the Zeitgeist than gruff, lovable actors wandering through the woods.

(Thanks, Megan!)

Two Guys Who Reasonably Disarm Every Farcical Situation:
made by Will Hines

Wilford Brimley’s Prospect Park:

Prison Break: The Lost Episode:
directed by Will Hines, with Nat Freedberg and Nick Ross

Kindle Boner:
featuring Kevin Cragg and Silvija Ozols

Iraqi Shoe Attack Suicide Video
(made by shoes that attacked George W. Bush)